Rewired (The Progress Series) Page 13

  “You think I like this? You think I enjoy this shit? I can’t even get off the fucking couch to take a piss! I’ve been watching goddamned infomercials and soap operas all day while you’re off doing things that normal humans do…”

  “You think this isn’t affecting me?” she shouted. “You think this is easy for me? I had to get out of here this morning just to get a little break from the war that we rage against each other and the outright desolation and hopelessness you’ve caused me!”

  He was breathing heavily, and Charlie knew that if he had half the endurance he needed, he would’ve already begun verbally assaulting her. Instead, he blinked twice and sighed. “You think I’m not scared shitless right now that you’re going to leave…after seeing me like this? Because this is it. This is what you’re going to have to deal with. This is a big part of who I am.”

  Charlie rubbed her eyes and watched as Jesse sat slouched and powerless.

  “There’s only so much I can do for you. There’s so much you need that I can’t give you. But I’m not leaving. I told you I won’t leave you.”

  He shook his head again.

  “Come on,” she said gently, offering her hand. “It’s eight o’clock. That’s a perfectly acceptable time of day to go and lie down in your bed.” She grabbed his hands and hoisted him to a standing position.

  Walking to his bedroom, he lay down immediately and tucked his feet under the sheet.

  “We all know what it’s like to be a victim, Jess. In one way or another.” She crawled over the bed and wrapped her arms around his chest from behind. “This is a huge part of what you need to get sorted out. And I can’t take you there by myself. But you’re doing all the right things. Your meds, the doctor, your job, me.” She gripped him tighter. “But you didn’t cry the tears that were warranted when you should’ve.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “And that’s fine. You weren’t ready to. But don’t feel ashamed now. Don’t think it’s going to take away your interpretation of what a man should be. Your pride will stay intact, I promise.” She set her hands upon his shoulders gently and slid her fingernails down his back. Watching the goose bumps rise and fall on his forearms, she added, “Real men bleed, too. Real men swallow their pride when they need to. And sometimes, Jess, real men…cry.”

  With his voice unsteady, he replied, “Sorry, Charlie. But I’ll never give them that satisfaction.”

  She nodded and slid herself off the bed. Walking toward the bedroom door, she paused without turning to face him. “I promise you, Jess. They will never know.”

  *

  After Jesse fell asleep that night, Charlie crept back to her apartment. She stood in front of her mirror for several minutes, trying to understand how she had gotten into this position. She wasn’t a psychiatrist, she wasn’t an upstanding person, and she wasn’t even loyal.

  I’m horrible.

  She breathed in deeply before she took the first cut. Gathering a large clump of her hair, she assessed its length; and taking a pair of shears, she cut off seven inches.

  Handful after handful, she clipped, snipped, and tossed it to the ground. She had absolutely no reasoning. The only thing she could do was to continue cutting, as it was easing some of the ache and soothing some of the anger.

  When she finished, she looked at her reflection. It was then that she realized she had been breathing heavily and her heartbeat was racing. She didn’t know how long she had been wearing the scowl, but she knew it must have been for days, since she hadn’t felt this light in a while. She still carried all the regret and sadness of the events over the past few months, but the intensity lately had gotten out of control.

  After taking a shower to rinse off the loose hair scratching the back of her neck, she climbed onto the couch and settled in underneath her comforter.

  Her phone buzzed, but she wasn’t eager to get to it. She let it sit charging on the kitchen counter. Minutes passed before the thought that Jesse may have noticed her absence got her to her feet.

  She walked to the counter and picked up the phone. When she had almost reached the couch, she looked down, and what she read halted her steps immediately.

  Star Trek is on. This isn’t getting any easier. Will you watch it with me? Just sit on the couch and turn on the TV. Just so I know where you are and I know that you’re safe.

  She collapsed to the floor in a fit of tears. Curled up on the carpet, she balled her hands to her face, allowing the past months of remorse bubble to the surface. She had so little fight left in her that she couldn’t contain it any longer. There was nothing left of her heart to bury anything deep enough.

  She hadn’t realized how close she was to the edge of the cliff until she read Sam’s text. His words tipped her over and she tumbled down so far that she was now underneath the surface of the rocky terrain below.

  She pulled the comforter off the couch and threw it over herself. Turning on the TV, she switched it to the Sy-Fy Channel and lay in her own puddle of tears. Gripping the blanket as closely as she could, she texted him back.

  Yes.

  After her crying subsided, she drifted into a sound sleep, taking comfort in knowing that Sam was in a nearby city, curled up onto a couch, watching Star Trek with her.

  *

  When Charlie woke the next morning, she had regained her hope that it was a new day and that maybe, just maybe, everything might turn out okay. She still had no idea how she’d do it, but she had a backup plan if the weekend getaway faltered. She just had to wait it out and keep a clear mind when she opened the door.

  Walking into Jesse’s apartment with two cups of coffee, Charlie hummed a little tune. Her mouth parted slightly when she saw Jesse cleaning his kitchen. Frantically moving from the oven to the fridge, from the fridge to the countertop, he scrubbed away with lemon scented disinfectant and paper towels. Charlie’s eyebrows scrunched as she watched him in awe. He would stop and look around for something, scratch the back of his head, and then continue cleaning as if he had dismissed whatever stopped him to begin with. The medication was obviously working, as Charlie had assumed he’d be depressed for at least a week. She thought about what Jess had said to her when he first started taking his medication two weeks earlier: ‘You’ll have to watch me for a bit.’

  “Hey. Where did you go last night?” he said, approaching her with a smile. “And what did you do to your hair?”

  She shook her head from her thoughts and grinned. “I wanted to sleep in my own bed.” She looked around the sparkling kitchen, taking in the lemony aroma. “And I cut it.”

  He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him, giving her nose a quick brush. “I like it. Sassy,” he said, lifting his eyebrows suggestively.

  She exhaled. Just like that? Gone.

  I don’t know how he’s managed to survive this long. My switch doesn’t work that fast. But we’re back in business. Thank God.

  After his heartwarming greeting, he went back to cleaning his kitchen.

  She shook her head. “I have another surprise for us this weekend,” she said, ignoring his haste around the kitchen.

  He stopped and wiped his brow. “Yeah?”

  “Since it’s my last weekend of vacation, I was thinking…” She looked up with a wide smile. “…the beach.”

  Chapter Five

  “So it’s ready, then?” Charlie asked, talking into her phone.

  “Yep! I was just there last weekend. You’re good to go. Everything you asked for is there, including some extra food in the cupboards.”

  “Thank you so much, honey. I owe you one.”

  “Nonsense. Have a good time. Oh! I put the key under the loose brick next to the front door, and the electricity is up and running. Sometimes circuits blow, so if that happens, just give me a call. There are candles under the sink, too.”

  “I’m sure it’ll be fine. But I’ll call if anything comes up.”

  “Sounds great. If I don’t hear from you this weekend, I’ll call you next week. Good luck wit
h…everything.”

  “Thanks again, Karalee.”

  “B-bye.”

  “Bye.”

  After packing a few clothes, Charlie and Jesse stopped by the bank on their way to the cabin and withdrew the two hundred dollars left from her award money.

  After Charlie swiped her card at the ATM, Jesse eyed her speculatively. “You must get paid pretty well.”

  She smiled. “Well, my rent is paid for, so that’s nice.” Winking, she put the car in drive and headed for the freeway.

  The miles passed and so did any cares about modern technologies, medications, and the past week of depression. Jesse was in charge of the music, and as always, he chose with pride and always looked to Charlie for approval.

  By noon, they had arrived. “I’ll find the key if you get our stuff out of the trunk,” she said, throwing her keys to him.

  Walking to the front door, she kept her eyes closed and her pace slow. She took in the chirping of the birds and the fresh smell of the lake. In the distance she could hear the waves softly crashing ashore and small critters rustling through the leaves. It was a hot day, and Charlie couldn’t wait to jump in the water.

  After finding the key, she slid it into the lock and turned around. She found Jesse staring up at the trees, watching the light breeze shimmy the leaves and reflect the sun, causing them to sparkle. Two hummingbirds danced around him as he stood unnoticing in his bright red T-shirt.

  This is going to be an interesting weekend. God, I hope I can pull this off.

  Movement from the corner of her eye caught her attention, and she cringed as she quickly flicked a carpenter ant from her shoulder. As she took a second look at the insect, she realized she had sentenced it to its death. The ant had landed in a small cobweb, and no matter how many times it twitched to free itself, it couldn’t loosen itself from the threads. She thought twice about removing it, helping it escape the slow torture of death, but before she could reach down she saw a small red spider gaining on it. She bent down to get a closer look just as the spider spun another string around the ant’s back legs. And without further hesitation, the tiny red creature bit the back section of the ant three times, and let the poison seep slowly into its victim.

  She watched the ant jerk a few times before she had to look away. It’s just an ant, it’s just an ant, it’s not a metaphor or a prediction of what’s going to happen this weekend. Keep your head on straight and stop overanalyzing everything!

  “Coming?” she called.

  Distracted, Jesse nodded and pulled their bags from the car.

  “Coming,” he said with a satisfied grin, slamming the trunk.

  She walked inside and instantly felt a stomachache. I remember this place being so much bigger.

  Following closely behind, Jesse walked in and dropped their bags onto the couch. “God, I remember this place being so much…bigger.”

  She laughed. “Come on. Let’s bring our bags upstairs.”

  Staring at the six twin beds in the knotty pine paneled bedroom, Charlie bit her bottom lip and looked at Jesse. “Those two?”

  “Sure, that’s fine.” He shrugged.

  She walked to the two beds farthest from the door and pulled them together to make one large bed. Jesse tried to hold back his smile and his voice thickened. “Oh. Do you have plans for us here this weekend?” he asked, walking up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

  Her smile emerged and she grabbed his hands, caressing them gently. “Yes, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You see…” She turned around, keeping her head down. “Well, Jess. I’m a virgin. But I’d very much like you to make love to me this weekend,” she whispered, disguising her grin.

  He tipped up her chin and smirked. “If only you would’ve said that to me here two years ago,” he said, just before leaning in for a kiss. “Oh, and don’t worry Charlie. I’ll be gentle.”

  She pulled away quickly. “But not now. Right now, I’m dying to get into that water.”

  His smile widened and he opened their suitcases to retrieve their swimsuits.

  *

  “This isn’t going to be…difficult for you, is it?” Charlie said, looking back from the water as Jesse stood on the beach.

  “Not at all,” he said, taking off his shirt. “Why would you ask that?”

  She shrugged, wiping back her wet hair. “Well, the last time…”

  His eyes opened wider and he shook his head. “Oh, no. That was the ocean, and you were very much…absent.” His mischievous smile returned. “So you’ll just have to prove to me that you’re not a figment of my imagination, and I should be fine.” He winked and took a few steps forward, into the water. “Jesus!” He ran back ashore. “That water is freezing!”

  She laughed, “You’re such a pussy. Get your ass in here!” She walked toward him as he shook his head.

  “No way! Give me a few beers first.”

  “Nope. No drinking this weekend. It doesn’t mix with your meds,” she said, getting closer. “Besides, it seems I’ve got some convincing to do.” Looking around, she made sure there were no other weekenders at the neighboring cabins as she removed one strap from her bathing suit.

  “C-C-Convincing?” he stuttered, keeping his eyes fixed on Charlie’s collarbones.

  “Mmmhmmm,” she breathed, removing the other strap.

  Combing her hair with her fingers, she licked her lips. Now standing three feet away from him while remaining in the water, she flipped her suit down to her hips. Closing her eyes, she whispered, “Touch me. Make sure I’m—”

  Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. You can do this.

  Before her last word was spoken, Jesse was against her, taking her nipple into his mouth. “Whoa,” she giggled while somehow making a frown. “That didn’t take much.”

  He brought his mouth to hers as she ignored her guilt. Playing with his tongue, her pace accelerated and she allowed his hands to roam freely across her chest and around to her back.

  And without warning, he stopped. Gently gliding his fingers underneath her straps, he pulled them back over her shoulders. “Later.” He smiled. “The water is suddenly warmer,” he said with that devilish grin.

  Ah, yes. Of course he wants to play the game. She rolled her eyes and followed him back into the lake.

  After two hours of swimming and playing in the lake, Charlie pulled herself onto the dock and sat with her feet dangling in the water. “I’m going to grab something to drink. Do you want a water?” she asked Jess, who was trying to quietly approach a sunfish circling around him.

  He lifted up one finger to stop her and she giggled. “Whatcha gonna do, Jess? Spear it? Or, are you just gonna snatch it up with your bare hands?” She stood and wobbled on the dock until she was steady, water pooling at her feet.

  He turned, playfully annoyed. “You scared it. It’s gone now.”

  She walked off the dock, snickering at his boyish behavior. Once around the corner of the cabin, she opened the exterior storage building attached to the north side. A massive smile crossed her face when she saw that Karalee had put everything just where Charlie had requested.

  She ran inside and grabbed two bottled waters from the fridge and two towels.

  When she returned, Jesse was smearing sunscreen on himself as he basked on the beach.

  “I guess you don’t need this?” She raised the towel.

  “Nah, I’m good. Come here.”

  She walked toward him, her feet squishing into the hot sand. “It’s a perfect day, isn’t it?”

  He glanced up at her, shielding the afternoon sun from his eyes. “For a few reasons.”

  “Well, it’s about to get a little better.” She winked. “Follow me.”

  “Oh no you don’t. I recognize that look in your eyes,” he snapped playfully, rising to his feet and hanging a towel around his neck. “I’m not gonna fuck you, ya know.”

  She turned and put her hand on her hip, her mouth open in shock. Recalling one of their first conversati
ons, she spouted, “Well good. Because I’m not gonna fuck you, either.” She winked again. “Come on.”

  He jogged to catch up to her and just as they turned the corner, he snapped her backside with the towel. “Ouch!” she yelped.

  And as his laughter caught up with his vision, he noticed it. The door to the storage area was ajar. His smile fading, his mouth closed and his body language shifted. He jerked his head to Charlie and she beamed.

  Inside the storage sat two bicycles: one green bike and one bright red Endurance Escape mountain bike.

  He stared at it for several seconds, making Charlie think she had retrieved the wrong one. “You found my bike?” he asked, stunned.

  She smiled. Whew. “Yes, I found your bike.”

  He ran to the storage unit a few yards away and tugged on the handles to free the bike from its position. Immediately throwing his leg around one side, Jess sat down on his long-forgotten baby. He wrapped his palms around each handle and exhaled.

  “How did you know? I mean, it’s my bike. Not just a similar one. It’s mine.”

  “You told me you pawned it.” She shrugged. “So I called the only pawn shop that was listed in Rye.”

  He nodded slowly.

  “But, there’s more,” she added. He looked at her, confused.

  “There’s another bike in there.”

  He looked back into the storage unit and slowly turned toward Charlie again. “Is someone gonna try to get back on a bike today?”

  “If someone will help me get my hands to stop shaking, yeah.” She gestured toward the cabin. “But I’m gonna quick run and change. I’ll be back in a second.”

  Charlie ran up the steps and dug around in her suitcase, looking for something comfortable. She stripped off her bathing suit and tried to wrangle on a bra as it stuck to her wet back.

  “First the drums,” Jesse said from behind her.

  She whipped around and pulled the comforter from the bed to cover herself, catching her breath.

  “Then, the furniture.” He took a step closer. “Now, the bike,” he said, closing the distance between them.