Rewired (The Progress Series) Read online

  Her chin dipped down, unsure of his tone. His expression gave away nothing.

  “Is that okay?” she whispered.

  He nodded. “It’s more than okay, Charlie.” Tilting her chin up, he took a minute to memorize her face, the soft lines around her mouth, her sun-kissed cheeks, and her bright blue eyes. “Tell me you love me,” he whispered, brushing his lips against hers.

  She closed her eyes and leaned in, but he resisted.

  “No,” he whispered again. “Tell me you love me.”

  I don’t know what that word means anymore. But he needs to hear it. He needs to hear me say it. But no matter how hard I try, the words refuse to come—as if my lips know something I haven’t admitted to myself.

  His soft gray eyes bored into hers, waiting for those three little words. She knew he could see her hesitation, but she couldn’t stop herself from seeing Sam’s face every time she thought about speaking. The moment was so wrong, but like the last time, she also knew that this was another step forward she had to take.

  Before now, each time Jesse had asked her to say the words, she hadn’t felt pressured. There hadn’t been urgency. But with the look on his face at that very moment, she sensed a sort of ultimatum. Perhaps it was just desperation, but it was different somehow, like he was also admitting it to himself truly for the first time.

  He grabbed the comforter she had gathered at her chest, and dropped it behind her. “Can’t say it, can you?”

  Tears pooled in her eyes, but she never moved. She never let her eyes leave his as she stood with nothing on but her white satin bra; defenseless, vulnerable and silent.

  He shook his head once. “That’s fine,” he said softly. “I’m about to say it enough for the both of us.”

  She was suddenly overwrought with the smell of coconut suntan lotion, lake water, and the musty odor of the cabin. Tasting the faint mint and the familiar flavor of Jesse’s sweet breath would’ve knocked her over if he hadn’t already taken her down to the floor. With one flick of his finger, he unclasped her bra between her breasts, and with a feather-light touch, removed the straps from each shoulder.

  His kisses were slow and passionate, savoring her, devouring her. She could feel his urgency with each deep dip of his tongue, sensing both a quiet comfort alongside brief glimpses of worry in his expression.

  But this, she could do. She just needed to keep her eyes closed like the last time, knowing that Jesse needed this. Giving her body to this man was not only something that was familiar, but also in a strange way, she knew it was something by which they’d both be comforted. She needed to feel a warm body, someone to show her she still had purpose. A soul, like hers: damaged. And with the unforgivable things she had done to Sam, feeling Jesse’s body against hers made her feel alive, useful, and allowed her to continue the masquerade of being someone else for a moment—someone she used to be. Jesse needed someone to call his own; a woman to vow she would never leave; a person who, no matter how ugly he could get, would always see the beauty in him that Charlie could.

  The cold floorboards were warming beneath her, beginning to radiate her heat. Jesse quickly stripped off his damp swimsuit and eased himself on top of her again. She cradled his face with both hands and pulled his lips to hers. The intimacy of the moment was breathtaking but shattering, feeling his bare chest glide onto hers and his warm breath buried in her neck.

  “I love you,” he whispered as he slid himself into her. She held her breath waiting for his pace to quicken, but he stayed inside of her, unmoving.

  “Jess?”

  He sniffed. “I’m fine. I just want to stay like this for a minute. Please?”

  She closed her eyes, trying to block out the reflection in his voice: a troubled joy, a cautiousness.

  I want to say it. God Jess, please believe me. I want to make this right for you. I want you to feel like you deserve it. I want you to experience something real, something you know won’t go away. Because I’m not going to leave you, I just can’t say those three damn words. And every time you say it, I’m thinking of someone else.

  “Do you feel that?” he asked. “Can you feel what’s going on between us right now? Because I can.” He eased himself out and back in again. “I can hear your heart,” he whispered. “And every time I say ‘I love you’ in my head, your heartbeat thumps twice.”

  She tried to smile, but it was lost. Instead she held him closer, wrapping her legs around his hips and guiding his head down to her chest. “Then listen,” she said. “And keep saying it. Say it as many times as you need to, and listen to what my heart tells you.”

  *

  For the first time in his life, Jesse made love to a woman that afternoon. He opened his heart, despite all of his instincts telling him otherwise. He was scared, but he trusted Charlie. Never before that day had he let his defenses down long enough to experience love. Obsession, compulsion, lies, fascination, and delusion were no longer words he would use to describe what he felt for her.

  She provided one thing he’d never had: a feeling of safety.

  Chapter Six

  “You ready?”

  “Nope. Not at all,” Charlie said, trying to slow the tremors in her hands.

  She stood, with the kickstand up, ready to attempt a bike ride for the first time since the fourth grade. “I don’t like this, Jess. Not one bit.”

  “Take it slow, then. Walk your first fifty feet and kick a foot up when you’re ready to try,” he said, circling around her on his bike.

  She glanced over at him and his smile widened.

  “Don’t you dare fucking laugh at me. This isn’t easy for me, you know.”

  He pulled out and rode fifty yards in front of her and skidded to a stop, turning back to watch. The dirt road extended to the main freeway, over five miles ahead of them. Charlie stayed in the driveway, trying to gather her courage.

  I can do this. I can do this. For crying out loud, it’s just a bike! The worst that can happen is I fall, right? Scrape my knee? I doubt I’ll end up with stitches like the last time. That was a concrete curb, this is grass and gravel.

  She took a deep breath and picked one foot up off the ground, resting it on the pedal. Glancing up at Jesse, she saw that he watched her closely while the two hummingbirds circled around him.

  No fear. No fear. Just go slow.

  She eased on the pedal and lifted her other foot. She wobbled the handles for a moment, until she gained enough speed to steady them. The sun was beating down on her forehead, causing the creases in her brow to gather sweat. But she was focused, and determined to show Jess she could do this.

  Slowly, she pedaled closer to him. She never lifted her head, and concentrated on the path in front of her. And as she came to an uneasy stop, she was feet from Jess on his bike.

  He chuckled. “How was that, then?”

  “Easier than I thought, but scary as hell.”

  “Do you want to go for a ride? There’s a clearing up the road, I saw it when we drove in. It’s about two miles.”

  “Nah. Maybe tomorrow,” she said quickly. “Why don’t you go for a ride and I’ll see you back here in a few hours. I’m sure you want some time alone with her, now that you have her back.”

  He nodded with confliction.

  “I’ll be fine. I’ll lie on the beach.” She stepped off her bicycle and put up the kickstand. “This is more your thing, anyway. But while you’re gone, I’ll fix us some dinner and get the fire started.”

  “I won’t be long, I promise.”

  She smiled and walked to him. “Take your time.” She gave him a brief kiss, but he lingered a little longer than necessary.

  He took his position on his bike, lifting himself off the seat and diving into focus. His strong legs flexed with every push, his body in total control as Charlie watched him kick up a small cloud of dust in his wake. And then he was gone.

  Charlie quickly got to work building the fire and preparing pizza dough. After covering the bowl with a towel and setting
it in the late afternoon sun, she walked out to the beach with her journal.

  Dear Journal,

  I’m not going to pretend like this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve tried to come to terms with all my actions, my past, my future…but none of it makes sense anymore. I’m waiting for some sort of a sign, something that’s going to point Jess in the direction he needs to go, but it’s not coming as easily as I thought it would.

  I’ve lived through a lot of crazy shit. And I somehow figure out how to successfully bury it all. But this man wears all of his emotions on his sleeve, and I’m used to keeping them hidden.

  He’s my opposite, I think. I’ve given this all a lot of thought. On one hand, he’s an amazingly beautiful creature. On the outside, he’s strong, virile, tough, and one of the finest specimens of man I’ve ever encountered. But on the inside, he’s mush. He’s volatile and scared. It’s such a strange thing to be a part of. It’s like looking in one of those weird carnival mirrors; how the smallest move makes my entire body shift and distort, and suddenly I’m seeing him in my reflection, from the inside out.

  She stopped to gaze out into the water, watching a fishing boat slowly move along the coast.

  We started out in total contrast of each other. He knew he was a beautiful thing to look at, and he didn’t care. That’s never been something he took pride in. And I envied him for that. It was rare he ever looked in the mirror, because he just didn’t think about the face, and body—what he was showing the world. And it was something I was always consumed with about myself.

  But on the inside, I had the ability to change. I was strong and willing to fight. I was able to change my life and see exactly who it was I was becoming. He showed me the person I never wanted to become: closed off, ignorant, underestimated. It was always my mind in which I took pride, and I never second-guessed the personality I was showing the world. I was confident in that much.

  So where do I go from here?

  How do I do this? What am I supposed to do next?

  A cool breeze came upon her, causing her to shiver. She wrapped her hands around her shoulders, and that’s when she noticed her sunburn. “Ouch.” Her arms were a bright pink and when she went to touch her face, the heat seeped through her fingertips.

  She grabbed her journal and walked back into the cabin. Raiding the cupboards of the bathroom, she found some lotion to rub onto herself. She looked in the mirror and saw her face was tan, her cheeks and nose bright red. The lotion stung at first, and then soothed her burning skin. Almost emptying the bottle, Charlie had splotches of white all over her body.

  Back in the kitchen, she rolled the pizza dough out onto a sheet pan and preheated the oven. And just as she was glancing at the clock and thinking about Jesse, he walked through the door.

  Jesse was covered in dirt, mud, blood, and sweat, but his smile was the first thing she saw. “Hey, you.”

  He laughed. “Hey, yourself. Poison ivy?”

  She glanced down at her shoulders. “Sunburn.” Taking a swift look over his body, she said, “Did you have fun?”

  He exhaled. “Thank you.”

  She nodded and smiled. “Go take a shower. I’m making pizza.”

  He went for the steps, but stopped and turned around. Jogging quickly back to her, he gave her a brief kiss before gathering his shower supplies.

  *

  “I think we’re going to have to clean that tub before we leave,” he said, shaking his hair into a towel.

  Charlie wrinkled her nose. “That bad?”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty gross. Do you know if this place has any Band-Aids?”

  “Oh, um, yeah. I just saw them. I think they’re under the sink in the bathroom,” Charlie said, taking the pizza out of the oven. “You know, Jess…you should just carry around a first aid kit with you at all times,” she called out as he was applying the bandage.

  “All better?” she asked when he returned.

  “Yes, Mom. All better.” He gave a tight nod.

  They sat down to eat at the table and ended up talking until the fire burned out outside, picking at the toppings intermittently and popping them into their mouths.

  “Shit. We let the fire burn out,” Charlie said, peeking out the window while clearing the table.

  “That’s okay. I’m pretty tired, with all the stuff we’ve done in the past twenty-four hours,” he said, yawning. “But today was definitely a good day.”

  She looked over her shoulder from the sink and saw Jesse stretch. His body was so different from a month ago. When he’d first returned to Minnesota, he was pale and thin, almost sickly. But at that moment, when she let herself watch him from afar, his hands pulled above his head and his legs stretched forward, he was a different man. She had taken something from him when she left him that long ago night—something she would’ve never predicted.

  A comfort.

  That’s all it took; he needed someone to stay. He needed someone to love him completely and vow they’d never leave. And in looking at him this night, while he was relaxed and knew no harm would come to him, her epiphany came.

  That’s all he needed all along. It wasn’t a shoulder to cry on. It wasn’t someone to cure his depression. It wasn’t a mother or a father or a psychiatrist. It was just me.

  He wanted to believe that he was ready for someone like me. He wanted to fall in love; he’s wanted it for a long time. And I happened to be the only one left standing that refused to let him push me away. This whole thing has been a test. Our entire relationship has been based on a challenge he created in order to see how I’d react.

  So I’ll let him believe it, if that’s what he needs. If this is the only way I can help him, I will. Because I do love him. I do.

  “Ready for bed?” he asked.

  She nodded. “Yeah, sleep sounds good.”

  He smiled and trotted up the steps, a different man than he had been less than a day ago. And she followed after him, determined to do whatever it took for him to believe in her.

  *

  Rolling over in bed the next morning, Jesse found Charlie sitting up, sipping a cup of coffee. “Rough night?” he asked.

  “Why do you ask that?”

  “You were talking in your sleep again.”

  Shit.

  “What did I say? ‘Again,’ what do you mean?” Trying to remain calm, she set her coffee cup down on the floor.

  “I can’t be sure, a lot of it was garbled,” he said with a yawn. After thoroughly rubbing his eyes, he continued. “But I’m pretty sure you said you were madly in love with me and wanted to have my babies,” he murmured, trying to keep a straight face.

  Charlie rolled her eyes and playfully tossed a pillow at him.

  “Well, you keep doing what you did to me yesterday, and we just might have to worry about that.”

  He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, catching the scent of the residual perfume that always seemed to lie just beneath her skin.

  “You know, it’s funny,” he started.

  “What?”

  “I’ve wasted so much time searching for the next girl I’d take to bed with me every night…” He kissed her neck softly and she tensed. “…But I should have been trying to find the girl I wanted to wake up next to.”

  *

  They spent most of the day lounging inside, as Charlie’s burn still hadn’t faded. Jesse went for another ride and Charlie napped on the couch. Taking two weeks off from her job wouldn’t help her workload when she returned on Monday, but a weekend at the cabin was perfect for storing up any energy she’d need for the busy summer months.

  Later that evening, they walked out to the campfire with a blanket and pillow. Moving one of the strategically placed stumps aside, Charlie then threw the blanket over the grass and sat down to light a cigarette.

  A blue hummingbird swarmed around Jess as he sat down beside her. He swatted it away, at first thinking it was an insect, but Charlie grabbed his arm. “Wait. It’s a hummingbir
d.”

  Jesse’s eye found the creature hovering in the air in front of him. They both watched in awe as the body of the bird shifted from blue to purple in the reflection of the setting sun.

  “Did you know that hummingbirds are the only group of birds able to fly backwards?” she asked in a whisper.

  “No. I didn’t know that.” He shook his head.

  “Yep. Some of them can flap their wings up to one hundred times a second.”

  They watched as the bird jerked forward, flying to just a few feet in front of them. Charlie smiled as its flight danced, first in front of her and then bobbing over to Jess, frozen in midair for over a minute.

  “How do you know so much about hummingbirds?” he asked suddenly, jolting the bird to speed away and perch on a nearby oak tree.

  “I’ve always retained little pieces of useless information. You know, the stuff you can throw out from time to time to make you seem smarter than you really are.” She winked.

  “Ah, like the frogs.”

  She giggled. “Yeah, like the frogs,” she replied, glancing at Jesse’s smile.

  “Have you saved any more of them in the past year?” he asked.

  She looked back toward the water and grinned. “Not yet.”

  “I suppose with your fancy job, you don’t have time for the volunteer stuff anymore.”

  She hesitated with her answer, amused at the parallels spoken and unspoken in the past few minutes. She shook her head and took a drag from her cigarette.

  Jess glance over at Charlie, staring at her red shoulders. “How’s the burn?”

  “Fine, until you mentioned it.” She laughed.

  He smiled. “Wanna go for a swim? It will cool you down.”

  “Sure.”

  After jumping into the water, Charlie resurfaced and wiped the water from her face. Jesse was already bouncing around and trying to splash her.

  “When are you going to tell me about your time in foster care?” she asked, halting his playful mood instantly.